Take Control
WHY STOPPING WITH THE EXCUSES AND TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR DEVELOPMENT IS CRITICAL - FOR PARENTS, PLAYERS, AND PROS
Perspective is an incredible thing. How we look at something, or how others perceive something, and understanding that are powerful, and valuable. 2020 for most of the world has been an incredibly challenging year. Globally we’ve seen a pandemic wreak havoc on business, jobs, the overall economy, and people's physical and mental health among other things. We’ve seen political fighting, social injustice and been forced to reconcile with years of avoidance of important issues.
In a recent post I talked about being interested vs. committed. This idea of being interested in changing cultures, getting better at something, or changing habits, wanting success etc. vs. being truly committed to it, and doing the work is one that keeps popping up in conversations. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had numerous conversations that keep bringing me back to this problem of interest vs. commitment, of taking control vs. making excuses, of building process and taking action.
As a parent, and one that has competitive youth soccer playing sons at that, this concept smacked me in the face over the last few weeks. I’ve long believed that if you allow yourself to be curious (check out my recent post on being curious in our partner blog First XI Advisors), observe, and take time to think, you will be amazed at what you can see.
Perspective is powerful thing. To truly learn, and grow we have to be open-minded, be curious, and see things from another’s point of view.
Atticus Finch in the famous story ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ says to his daughter Scott, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view. . . until you climb into his skin and walk around it.” This willingness to learn, takes emotional intelligence, an open mind, and a desire to grow. If growth, learning, and excellence are something you are truly passionate about, and truly desire then I hope the following examples help push you further in that journey.
Often when we are not hyper focused on finding an answer is when we are mostly likely to find it. It’s usually in an unexpected place, and often by accident. The legend of Newton discovering Gravity when he saw an apple falling, Sir Alexander Fleming accidentally discovering Penicillin, or the accidental discovery of post-it notes at 3M are all great examples of this.
I’ve spent a lot of time talking with people lately and working on building systems and processes to help take control and enable them to pursue their goals and dreams. Whether this is on the soccer field, in the classroom, or within their business or daily lives. I’ve written about it here, and on the First XI Advisors blog, and continue to explore this concept. It likely comes as no surprise to anyone that knows me that a recent experience at a soccer tournament, and on the soccer fields might serve as inspiration. I’ve often escaped to the fields to sort out problems, think through things, etc. I’ve joked that the being on the fields is like my church. This time thought It’s perhaps not for the reasons people would assume. While I love being on the fields, the community that sport brings, and working with kids to help them improve technically, tactically, mentally, and of course physically, the perspective I found most incredible from being at a tournament wasn’t about improving technically, or tactically. It wasn’t about improving decision making, or even about improving physically. It actually was about empowering parents and players to take control. To take control of their own development and maybe change the soccer culture in Charlotte for ever.
My youngest son had a tournament in Jacksonville Florida in January. I consider myself quite fortunate especially in the times we live in under the COVID pandemic to be able to travel to Florida, and watch my kids play a game. While watching the games, and those of other teams several thoughts hit me. I observed the ups and downs of teams winning and losing, and the associated emotions with the kids, and parents (including my own). I watched various styles of play, or lack of style in some cases. I was fascinated by the various cultures of the different clubs, how they react, how they carry themselves, what the brand represents, etc. I plan to explore some of these topics over the coming weeks.
YOU LEARN MORE FROM LOSING
Historically, Some of the most impactful moments to observer are when a team is losing. As they say losing often reveals character. It reveals the character of parents, players, coaches, and entire organizations. Things that are often overlooked in times of prosperity come to the forefront.
Bill Gates said “Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.”
Gates points out how winning can hide the truth, can cover over weakness. It’s why parents so often want their son or daughter to be on the “A” team even if they really shouldn’t be, or maybe aren’t ready yet based on their own abilities. It’s why often that same “A” team that wins all their games quickly becomes a losing team when the “best player” isn’t there. The excuses usually come flying in shortly after but the reality is often the team was built around a couple of players and without them the rest of the team just isn’t as good as they think.
Morgan Wooten, the legendary high school basketball coach, said
“It's often been said that you learn more from losing than you do from winning. I think, if you're wise, you learn from both. You learn a lot from a loss. You learn what it is that we're not doing to get to where we want to go. It really gets your attention and it really motivates the work ethic of your team when you're not doing well.”
This quote aligns a lot with one of my favorite go to lines, “there are people that love to win, and there are people that hate to lose.” I find the people that are the most successful, and the ones that truly have systems and processes built to last, to win forever are the ones that flat out hate to lose. If you only love to win, you will ignore all the lessons you should be learning because the results are going your team’s way. You will miss the fact that your abilities aren’t quite what they seem. These people often just want to be on the best team. If you hate to lose, a part of your process is always looking at how to improve, you have almost a paranoia that someone is going to catch you, or going to pass you. When you win it is what you are supposed to do, but you always are looking at ways to improve. It could be called a growth mindset. It is a way of constantly learning and evaluating regardless of the result. We learn from every experience. There is a thought that you are always trying to improve, a confidence that you will win, but that the game result isn’t the real focus, you expect to win, but either way you will get better and improve your process. There is often a much bigger target one of constant growth, of looking to be the best and seeking to push yourself to the limit.
WHY DO WE GO NEGATIVE SO QUICKLY?
What struck me during the weekend tournament was how quickly the mind can go negative. Parents frustrated with lack of playing time, the result of the game, their coaches, etc. This snowballs into lashing out at referees, clubs, each other. As parents, we are protective of our kids. If a coach yells at our kids we want to fight back. If they play badly parents are quick to make excuses for the poor performance. There are numerous examples, and if you pay attention at the next game you go to you will see plenty. This negative thought process is part of a system that often goes unnoticed until losing reveals it. The systems that many of us as individuals, as parents, as clubs have built is one that doesn’t evaluate when things are going well, and makes excuses when they go against us. It is often far easier to blame someone else or come up with a reason why something happened than to truly reflect, build and improve. To take control is difficult. How often after a game do you hear “the refs cost us the game,” or how it was the coaches fault. On the sidelines you hear things like these coaches aren’t doing anything to help the kids get better. I’m confident that if you are being honest with yourself you’ve been a part of these conversations, or thoughts. I know I have, and what hit me during this tournament was how these habits can take control if you don’t pay attention.
MAMBA MENTALITY
Kobe Bryant’s relentless pursuit of excellence was famously called “Mamba Mentality.” He described this mentality saying “It's a constant quest to try to be better today than you were yesterday.” That sounds like a process built around constant improvement. This works in life, in business, in sports.
“Everything was done to learn to become a better athlete.”
Kobe describes that he had good athleticism, but wasn’t a freak. He had to study, learn, rely on skills. He looked at his game, at the game of others and started asking what are the things that will help me become the best? Then he got to work.
So how do you take control and start building a system of success? First, Stop accepting excuses, Start by identifying them, labeling them, call them out and then change the script.
Here’s an example. The next time you or someone else blames a coach for the lack of development in a player ask yourself “Why am I/we letting them control my development.” You might have a great coach, they might be terrible, who cares they are not in control, you are! The average youth player trains with their coach probably three times a week. The average session is probably 1.5 hours. In a week with 168 hours in it, as a player you likely spend 4.5 hours with your youth coach each week. Maybe its 6 hours, maybe it’s 8. Even if you take the hours you have available and drop it down to 12 hours a day (84 hours a week), are we really going to rest our entire development to the 5-8 hours with our team coach? Do you really believe that this is the key to success?
Most of your development, or your child’s development is within your control, there are far more hours in the day without this coach than with them. Stop making excuses, Fall in love with the process, fall in love with the ball, take action, take control. What does that look like you might ask? It’s not rocket science, start with something small that makes it a fun game. Maybe it’s just passing in the street for a few minutes each night and talking. Put soccer balls all over the house so it’s hard not to run into one and get a few extra touches. The compound effect of those few moments each day will grow. The time will increase, the skill will increase and the joy in the process will grow.
Don’t believe me? Fortunately my wife is ok with it, but we have soccer balls of every size all over the house. In almost every room you can “accidentally” walk into a ball, take a few touches, and move on. Over time this adds up, encourages creativity, and is fun. It leads to more touches, more habits, and more progress. We have impromptu pick up games, and 1v1 battles in the house, and in the streets all the time. It doesn’t have to be complicated, start simply, and make it fun.
I’ve used this same concept recently with my kids. I’m an avid reader. It’s something I think is critical to lifelong learning. Like most parents, convincing your children to do anything is easier said than done. What have we started? Periodically throughout the day I have my son read for 2 mins. Just 2 mins. It’s something that is so short that he can’t complain, but done enough times throughout the day it actually equates too much longer amounts of time. It also allows him to have short burst of focus. What’s funny is he believes in the process too. That 2 minutes usually ends up being longer, but the point is just like training. We show up every day. We make it consistent.
GO TO GOAT MOUNTAIN
As you progress, look at what other top players are doing and borrow from them. Kobe Bryant says he went to “Goat Mountain.” He went and asked the best what they did, studies them, learned their habits. He went to all the available peaks in the mountain range. For Kobe this included Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Hakeem Olajuwon, Jerry West, Oscar Robinson, and Bill Russell. He talked to them and asked “What did you do?”
Study Ronaldo, Mbappe, Neymar, Messi, Maradona, Pele, etc. What did they do, what habits did they have. What did they do as kids? How can you learn from them? There are endless amounts of youtube videos, tiktok skill challenges etc. We have better access to content, and help than every before in the history of mankind. The key is going out, finding it, and putting it to use.
OVERCOMING ADVERSITY
Michael Jordan was famously cut from his high school varsity basketball team and placed on the JV instead. We can all learn from how he, and in particular his mother reacted to the situation. Deloris Jordan said that she and Michael both cried because she knew how much he wanted to be on that team, but the magic comes in what happened next. She told him to work harder. She didn’t call the coach, the AD, the school and complain. She didn’t transfer schools, clubs, etc. She taught the greatest basketball player of all time a valuable lesson about choice, about taking responsibility, and taking control. They could have complained, they could have transferred schools, instead they took a different path and she told Michael to get to work. The next time you are faced with a challenge, or your kids are faced with a challenge, take a minute, and ask yourself what type of person you want to be, what do you want for your kids? You have a choice, the easy path, the one that requires less work, or the path to greatness. The choice is yours.
Parents often complain about their kids' use of technology. Again, flip the script, use it to your advantage. Look up a video of best moves, your kids favorite player, find a training session on YouTube, on TikTok, on Instagram etc. A teacher in Charlotte recently decided that rather than fighting against TikTok and YouTube she would meet her students there. What she did was create a following of over 1.5 million people world wide who are falling in love with science, by doing experiments at home. Check her out here especially if you have elementary age students. The point though is don’t make excuses, take control, build a process that works.
JAY DEMERIT
The Jay Demerit story, a USMNT player who followed a unique path to the English Premier League . He was a great athlete, who played multiple sports as a kid, but knew he needed to do more to achieve his dream of being a professional soccer player. Jay moved to England at 23 with a dream to be a professional. For most players in Europe if you haven’t made it by 19 you are done. This didn’t deter him. He started in the 10th division of English Soccer and fought his way to the Premier League. Jay overcame the odds only to be set back again with an eye injury that nearly cost him his chance to play in the world cup. Jay says that he learned to “trust in the process.” He knew he had to do everything he could in case his chance finally came. Jay’s story is inspiring, and a reminder that you have to remind yourself of the “Sunny days” and fall back into the process.
Find something that you both can get excited about and build from there. Take an existing habit and build on it. One of my favorite books on building habits is ‘Atomic Habits.’ In it James Clear talks extensively about creating triggers to help promote these habits. I highly recommend you check it out.
The reality for most involved in youth sports is that you will be presented with this challenge in the next 48 hours. The next time you or someone else blames a coach for the lack of development you see in your team, yourself, or your player ask yourself “Why am I/we letting them control my development.” You might have a great coach, they might be terrible, who cares they are not in control, you are! They are only with you/your player a few hours a week. Most of your development, or your child’s development is within your control, there are far more hours in the day without this coach than with them. Stop making excuses, Fall in love with the process, fall in love with the ball, take action, take control.
Taking control can also have a massive impact on your mental health. When we feel like we have no control we often find ourselves in negative spirals. These can be hard to get out of as we allow ourselves to build excuses for why things are happening, and forget about the systems and processes that helped us achieve in the first place. We blame the refs, we blame others, we stop doing what is necessary. It’s quite incredible how a little win, maybe it is hitting a step goal, or juggling for 5 minutes can lead to larger wins over time. When we consistently take action each day that give us control, amazing growth can happen. A kid quickly goes from juggling 2 or 3 times to 30-40 times, but that’s a result. The real success is the increased confidence, the feeling that they have accomplished something, the self belief, and desire to keep pushing. Success doesn’t happen overnight, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t celebrate showing up each day. When you take steps that you know are ones that will compound and help over time you can’t help but to feel more in control. This often feels like a weight off your shoulders. This increase in mental health does wonders for us, and only propels us forward.
Excuses often lead to negative thoughts, and the compounding of bad habits. Excuses are often made about why a result happened. When we focus on the process, and taking control this need for an excuse goes a way. We build positive momentum, we stop accepting excuses because we are in control. The ref won’t keep us from working on skill tomorrow, on getting up and going for a run. The excuses won’t define us. We have taken control.
ROY KEANE
Roy Keane, the legendary Irishman and Manchester United midfielder, is well known for his leadership, grit, hard tackles, and incredible competitiveness. What many don’t know is that he was also the “runt” of the litter as a kid. An article in the Irish Examiner (https://www.irishexaminer.com/sport/soccer/arid-40043516.html) with excerpts from the book, ‘Keane, Origins,’ points out “His nickname was The Dot. A full stop, like,’ says Noel Spillane, the long-time soccer correspondent for Cork’s Evening Echo and Irish Examiner newspapers, who covered Keane’s ascent in detail. ‘That’s what the lads would say during the games. “Give it to The Dot.” That’s what he was known as.’ Keane was aware of his physical shortcomings, but that was out of his hands. So he turned a laser-focus to things he could control: fitness, proficiency on the ball and a dedication to the game that seemed out of sync with the moodiness and restless energy of hormonal teenage years.” Roy Keane was written off at u14 & u15 as too small by the Irish National team, passed over for the larger, physically imposing boys. He could have made excuses, compared himself to others and gone down that negative spiral. Instead used it as fuel, took control of his future and became a legend.
TAKE CONTROL TODAY
There are countless stories of people overcoming adversity to obtain their dreams. Steph Curry was considered too small and fragile, with below standard athleticism, Tom Brady was “laughably un-athletic” during his NFL Combine workouts (all he did was go on to win 7 Championships). Mohammed Salah traveled 4.5 hours everyday as a 14 year old taking multiple buses just to get to training. Lionel Messi famously had to overcome his growth hormone disorder, moving to Barcelona who paid for his medical needs. Messi has only gone on to become one of the greatest players in the history of the game.
We celebrate those players for beating the odds. Everyday there are people that make choices to get better, to take control just as there are those that give in to temptation, that allow excuses to creep in. You have a choice. Taking control is not easy. If it was easy everyone would do it. Surround yourself with people who can help, who are on a similar path, who are building processes of daily improvement, talk about it, seek out real honest feedback and most of all take control.
Thanks for reading.
C
If you have questions, or other ideas that can help our community share them in the comments. If this post helped you, share it with others, email me at [email protected], or engage on social media.
